i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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