i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my vag is so smooth its legendary
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
