So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
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Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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