I was born with a shot glass in my hand
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
