Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
