Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
