so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
