I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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