also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
