I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
