Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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