i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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