Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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