This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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