if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
