Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
