just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
