I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
