Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
