Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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