i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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