At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
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dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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