I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so let's talk penis.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
