This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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