You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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