I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
