i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
