remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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