I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
