i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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