when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
