She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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