Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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