Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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