I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
