...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
