look no pants
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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