I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
