I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
