she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
