no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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