then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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