We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
