Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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