Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
