you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
