Kiss
Puke
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
