This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
