my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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