Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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