He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
