Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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