I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
