omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
