i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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