Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
