i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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