I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
