first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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