She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
