When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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